yeah 😭
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Gemma Correll
for all #parents out there
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.