yeah 馃槶
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(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That鈥檚 my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what鈥檚 up?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you鈥檙e good at not murdering people?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
i don鈥檛 want fries. i want YOUR fries.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I don鈥檛 get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can鈥檛 stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My mother鈥檚 maiden name is Password.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we鈥檝e been best friends ever since.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i鈥檓 entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold