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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word āmaybeā is your friend.
Me: So, let me get this straight. Itās cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but itās embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, āYes.ā Then, āSorry, that wasnāt for you.ā
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
HR: Iām afraid thatās not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Lance isnāt really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I donāt think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. thatās like your coworker dude
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no theyāre robots.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When I say Iām āgoing through somethingā I usually mean a family size box of croissants
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Can Happiness buy money?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, Iām afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while Iām sleeping.
ME: Donāt be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: ā¦
ME: Night, sweetheart.
me: itās tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you donāt work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I donāt remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My sonās band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single āRejected Bananaā.
Whatās the name of your kidās band or hit single?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.