Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Me trying to “trust the process”

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again