Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?