“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
HERE’S MARKY
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.