Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

reduce, reuse, recycle

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?