Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happened to the other hiker??!

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?