Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
who wants to go expliring
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I saw this ending much differently.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Just a friendly reminder!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
