Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
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I triple waxed for this?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Selfie
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching