Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

[eulogy]

line?

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.