yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly