Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.