Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
is it too early for christmas memes
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
asked my bf how work was today
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”