Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.


me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order


Just found out my wife’s been mad at me for three days and I hadn’t noticed. She forgave me and I had to act like I was grateful and not bewildered


Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on


Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here


Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?


*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.


When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.