@dumbbeezie

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

@FredTaming

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

@hermanntrude

Just found out my wife’s been mad at me for three days and I hadn’t noticed. She forgave me and I had to act like I was grateful and not bewildered

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

@BraandoCommando

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

@heyitsJudeD

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

@Darlainky

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

@TheAlexNevil

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.