Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Just found out my wife’s been mad at me for three days and I hadn’t noticed. She forgave me and I had to act like I was grateful and not bewildered
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.