Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
You Might Also Like
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.