Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
You Might Also Like
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
WHO DID THIS?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
6. me as a lawyer
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change