What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.