Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.