My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*
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“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree
Ate a bag of Sun chips and now I need 300 stitches in my mouth
Enter new password
Your password is two weeks
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”
The Porsche is now mine, right?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*