@MizzusT

Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

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@thepaulasuzanne

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

@tlcprincess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@joshscampbell

Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

@iwearaonesie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*