Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You Might Also Like
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Cha-ching is my safe word
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
This poor dog
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once