Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You Might Also Like
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.