Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
You Might Also Like
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous