Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
rich people when they have to pay taxes
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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.