Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.