Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
You Might Also Like
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Wait a minute…
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.