Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
first you must answer his riddles
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Which wines pair best with gloating?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.