Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.