Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

My boss called in sick of me

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.