Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big