Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
12. I think about this all the damn time
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan