Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
pat pat
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…