Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Somedays I just love AI so much

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

old twitter is back baby