Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”