yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Said the murderer.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?