yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED