yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.