Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*watches the world burn*
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
