Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
😜
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
TODAY
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
