Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
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Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.