Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….

Lets call it tie, ok?

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*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re


For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons


[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here


Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake


In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.


Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.


I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.