@gsu9696

Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….

Lets call it tie, ok?

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@AthenaMystique

*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re

@Matt_The_1st

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

@abbycohenwl

[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here
-Done[gavel]

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@Sickayduh

In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.

@TheWeirdWorld

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

@TheHyyyype

I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.