[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess