yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…