yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
So sorry
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
🤣😂🤣😂
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.