yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?