Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Good morning, Twitter x
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.