Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
You Might Also Like
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The smoothest fall of all time
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one