Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this