yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I put the h in mysterious.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*