Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

huge valentines day plans this year!!

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”