Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
![]()
You Might Also Like
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
![]()
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
![]()
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Nothing.
![]()
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad