Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.