yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too