Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

SCARY COSTUME

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*