Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.