Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief