Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.