Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?