Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
The United Steaks of America
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Stick it to the man
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”