Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

gm

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now