Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Bartenders are just boneless bars

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

I’m never leaving this app.