Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
