Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
blocked.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
this isn’t threatening at all
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I love you to the refrigerator and back
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
