Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!