yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
crying
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty