Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

accurate

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no