Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
By Kate Hatos
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Go gym
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium