Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
My neck, my back, my…
This January has 47 Mondays
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
How times have changed.