Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

ㅤ