Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.