Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genius

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Trains are just sideway elevators.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet