Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

🍞🦆

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.